why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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