If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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