I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
