I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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