hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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