Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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