is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
