i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
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I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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