forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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