I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
