I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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