Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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