Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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