I wish life had little blips of pornography
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
