Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
