im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
