i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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