SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
