I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
