Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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