i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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