When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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