I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
