I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
