one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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