Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
