I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
