from now on my penis is your penis
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The dick lei will go down in squad history
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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