I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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