i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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