This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize