I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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