Your face is a jimmy john
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
