anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
