Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
