I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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