You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize