Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
