I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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