I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm always down for nudity.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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