I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
