I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
