I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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