i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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