I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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