I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
