Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
