Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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