I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
