if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
