Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
