All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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