i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
