It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
