I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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