I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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