as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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