I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
