I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
