turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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