Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
