did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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