and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
