I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
